-sigh-

Up until now, I never understood why everyone else felt they want to leave this town, see the world, travel, and just "escape". But now... I feel a sense of independance. Like I want to provide for myself and go off and see the world. I don't to burden anyone. I want to be on my own. Everyone seems like they're already moving on.. Boot camp, college, marriage, children. And for me; High School. Big whoop dee do. I want to travel. I'm compelled to leave for Japan. Perhaps learning about their culture and their writing will help satisfy my longing to explore. Sigh...

07

Well let's see, how should i begin?
My hair looks like someone barfed shitty blonde sunshine all over the top. I hate this feeling of standing still- like everyone else is moving forward with their lives and i'm stuck here, being driven around by my dad because I failed my driver's test twice and i'm terrified to get behind the wheel. I have six college level classes that I HAVE to get a C or better in with no room for error if i want to graduate. Sure, one is Karate- which i might get more use from than just another PE credit if I can kick someone's ass for an hour two times a week, or learn to in theory at least. I hate being tan. i'm going to be a wrinkly old grandma one day, but at least i look "sun kissed now". I have freckles now- which I am fully content with. Seriously, i look like a fucked up malibu barbie- and my man is gonna come home as a sexy G I Joe and say, "WOW. I've been gone three months, and this happens...?" I can't afford senior pictures, but i'm willing to fork out 100 to make my hair look less shitty. I am VAIN. Oh, and i'm a liar too. Have I read such and such book? No. OH YEAH. I CAN'T PLAY TENOR SAX. SHIT. AND I'M TENOR ONE NEXT YEAR. FML.

Stress.

Breathe. Only four more full days of high-school and you're running start bound. You can do this. Finish your essay, copy the notes, keep your eyes on the prize.

Oh my.

Isn't it amazing how so much can change in just one week? Just to throw that out there... Many thoughts occur in a week. Many, many thoughts do.


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller

Love is eating your favorite food for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

It's possible to fall into, but to fall out of is an entirely different story. To get out of where you've been, and what you've gotten yourself into takes time, patience, and diligence. You have to climb. But when you fall, it's easy, effortless, and it takes no time at all. It just happens. Just a spark and you're off. (:

I've learned this through many tears, difficulty and struggle. But honestly, i'm glad i've been through what I have. It's made my relationships stronger. I know more about myself. I've gotten my priorities straightened out, and i've learned what's important to me. Semper fi.

After tonight, much of my confusion has been replaced by the feeling of wholeness, and realness. As hard as it is, I know it's true. But with patience, love, passion, and faithfulness, we'll get through.

I just wanna be OK.

Isn't that the truth? I felt liel i'm healing. Finally. After those long months of feeling like a train wreck coated in molten lava, swallowed by a giant cat, and spit out into acid- I started to really feel... ok (: Good. At peace. HAPPY.

Then HE pops back into my life with a spontaneous, "I miss you. i wished that we could go back to the way we were before i was so foolish and lost the best thing that i had ever had! i just let you slip through my fingers! and i feel down right awful for what i put you through! and well that is my wish i could go back and slap myself and don't let something so amazing go!" ETC ETC ETC.

WHY!? Of all the opportunities he could have taken, he chooses now when i'm starting to be happy.

But you know what? I'm sick of this. I DIDN'T SLIP THROUGH HIS FINGERS. He had me. I never thought about leaving him. No pain could compare to that feeling of brokenheartedness. I don't want to go through it again. And then last night he tells me that he always cared for me but he had to break it off because it would hurt more later when he was leaving for the marines. Okay.... so he was already knowing that it wasn't going to work and it was inevitable. He was going to dump me.

THEN WHY WOULD HE WANT TO COME BACK TO ME NOW THAT HE ONLY HAS 3 MONTHS LEFT!?

I can't do it. I won't walk into the inevitable trap of heartbreak.

There are much better boys.

Right now, i'm perfectly content with Him (:

DEADLINES.

This blog is the perfect example of what I don't want to be doing. Procrastinating. But in this case, I procrastinated so much that i actually missed my deadline. By about ten minutes. UGH! I should be kicking myself. Do you want to be a failure? Shift yourself into drive and GO! Work! And SUCCEED! You can't expect to get anywhere and be happy if you spend your hours conversing on facebook. Save that for a weekend where you left yourself free time, not where you swamped yourself in work that your procrastinated off. Bravo. DON'T DO IT AGAIN.
Goal for next month; FOLLOW THROUGH. One blog, every day, on time.
PS: Girl, you're in college. This is a permanent transcript. You want to get into Whitworth, become a nurse and help people? A "C" in Math 97 isn't going to help you get to that goal. Get off your duff and work.

Advice.

Wash your hands, finish your spanish homework, steer clear of chemicals, use crosswalks, pin back your hair, annunciate, drink more water, you'll have less headaches if you keep your room tidy. And, stop procrastinating. You're only hurting yourself.

time to play some catch up!

Well, well, well. It's be quite some time since I posted, and honestly, I can't ever remember what my last blog was about. So if somethings I say are redundant, i'm sorry! I beg your forgiveness! Who's forgiveness i'm begging for, i'm not entirely sure. Forgive me, Nicole- my faithful reader? Haha.
So, it's 2010. Wow. One more year until graduation. One more year until adulthood. Two more years until the alleged and of the world. Ha, for the record, I really don't think that's going to happen. But, we'll save that rant for another blog :)
Today I just want to "catch up". A lot has happened! For one, I bought a beautiful HP laptop with Window's 7. It's a lot of fun to type and blog on! Also, Two days ago it was my first official day of college. I'm taking class online for winter quarter, and I very much so like the interface of the website. I'll let you know if i change my opinion as the quarter drags on (: Ah, schooling. It's strange to think that i'm over halfway finished with my high school career.

Oh! and it was my birthday on the fifth (: Very exciting!

-wofts the air- Spaghetti?! I'm going to take that as my cue to head out. (: Au revoir!