Again

I turn to this blog when I'm at a loss for words, or maybe when I have too many words to spare- cluttering my mind, scattered on the floor of my thoughts, unorganized. Where do I go next? Nicole. What are you going to do?

I try to live my life regret-free. The best way to do that is to always do your best, and do what you think is best for yourself. Live passionately. I've always aimed to look back on my life and be proud of the person I have become. Today I look at myself and I wish I could erase and redo the last four years. Sure, I've learned a lot about myself, but for the most part, I feel stagnant. I wish I could go back to school, try harder, aim higher, look at what really is important.

Nicole; you have always viewed yourself as a strong, independent woman with a love for learning, travel, reading and everything that comes in between. Keep your eyes on the prize. At the end of the day, you go home with yourself. Would you rather lie next to a body whilst consumed with self-loathing and regret, or alone, yet comforted in the fact that you're making a difference- comforted by your self-generated magic. Find what is important to you and chase it. Never stop chasing. You can always grow, you can always learn and better yourself and your craft. I believe in you. You have always believed in yourself. You will always have yourself, never forget that.

Tomorrow is another day. You can't erase or redo the past, but you can live in the present and pick yourself back up where you left off. Things will get better. Nothing worth it comes easy. Focus on learning a language, read all of the books on your "to read" list, beat those video games- stop saying you'll do these things and take action.

I believe in you. I believe in you.

"I will make the journey toward success and magic." Nicole B. 08/05/10

Cascade Mountain Majesty

Colossal, silent giants looming over our village. As much as I am a part of the community, so are the Cascades. As sure that the sun will peer over the edge in the morning, the mountains will stand as a quiet comfort to the valley. These gentle giants serve as much more than protection. Their flowing slopes offer a lifestyle, a meeting place for driven skiers and boarders alike. The run off keeps our summer crops bountiful and our rivers high. These mountains offer a sanctuary for wildlife, and a home for once nomadic hippies, who seek refuge, a place to lay roots.
The Cascades: one of the major mountain ranges in North America. This range spans from British Columbia, down to the northern tip of California. At their highest peak of 4,392 m (Mount Rainier), this makes this mountain the most topographically prominent- a sight for all Washington residents to see, and a friendly welcome to those visiting as their plane glides gracefully into SEATAC. From the beautiful Bavarian village of Leavenworth, you can’t see the gentle giant Rainier, but you’re constantly reminded of the powerful, silent titans.

Our small Leavenworth community thrives because of the mountain. 45 minutes in either direction lies a ski resort: Stevens Pass and Mission Ridge. Stepping in front of a chairlift’s seat and sitting down is like signing a contract. You’re committed to making it to the top. There’s no turning back. You place your booted feet on the bar below for stability. with your skis strapped on, dangling, the added weight makes you feel uneasy. As you climb higher, the mountain’s height becomes more apparent. Your ears pop as you yawn, finally, coinciding with a grandiose sigh of relief. Butterflies twist and turn in your stomach when you can finally see the top. The moment has come to let go of the lift and slide onto the summit. Careful not to dig your tips of your skis into the powder, you lift your feet slightly and press down: you’ve made it.

When your time on the mountain is all said and done, you return home to simple pleasures. Steaming hot chocolate in the morning with your family is a daily comfort. A little sugar to get some pep in your step early on, but just the right amount of warmth to insulate your body while you shovel the driveway. When you live in the mountains, you’re isolated from the rest of the world, but no one seems to mind. When you’re an hour away from civilization, your family becomes your best friends. When the nearest grocery store is 14.4 miles away, down a treacherous dirt road, that easily ices over during the months of October through April, simplicities become necessities. Preparedness becomes survival.

The arctic winds biting at the tip of your small, red nose is a reminder that the passes are thriving. The tremendous height of the mountains remind me that I am so very small, and that the world is so large. All possibilities are endless because I still have so much to see. The mountains are a comfort. They are a reminder that I’m home, but they’re also a reminder that I have so much to see and explore. They mountains aren’t leaving. They’ll be there to gently welcome me back home when I’m ready.

strangers and survival.

I just really need to get this off my chest.

I've made some mistakes. I don't feel like I need to go into them, but let your mind wander. This isn't looking for the sympathy vote, I just acknowledge that I'm human. We mess up. I'm come to terms with my past and it has shaped me into who I am today. I have moved on. It was really difficult to do and it definitely took time, but I'm in a good place now.

I think a lot of the reason why I'm okay is because the right people came into my life at the right time, and I'm forever grateful. They kept me up when all I wanted to do was lay at the bottom of the river and watch the world float on their kayaks, plunging their oars into the ice cold water, inches away from my face.

But no. I'm here. I'm a mermaid at heart, but I'm swimming through college, drowning in homework, rather than a body of water.
I'm alive.
Breathing.
Fingers unpruned.

I don't reflect often on that fateful July night- or June night? I'd rather not have a specific date in mind. I've chosen to forgive him. It puts my heart at rest. I can look at him in the grocery store as a familiar face, not a terror, but not a friendly one either. We are two strangers. Two people who met in past lives, but our paths will never intersect again because I have made that choice. This isn't out of spite, it is out of forgiveness and out of peace for myself.

I don't want to look at myself as a victim. Sure, I can't recall anything past walking up the stairs, begging for protection, waking up in an unfamiliar room and wiping away my dripping mascara as I climbed into my friend's car the next morning, hardly able to give directions through the veil of tears clinging to my eyelashes. But this still haunts me. I have forgiven, but this terrifies me. How easy it was for something like this to happen. How easy it could happen to someone else.

Now as I prepare my move home, I'm excited. I truly am. I'm not scared to see his face at safeway, like I said, he's a stranger. I'm excited to be home with the people I have chosen to let close to my heart. But my heart is hurting.

My love has taken what happened to me, personally. He swears if that guy makes a pass at him, or if he tries to be friendly that he he is not afraid of going to jail. It's a struggle for him to see him because of what he did to me. I'm very lucky to be with someone so protective of me, but I feel like he's making himself out to be the victim. "Do you know how hard it is to see him? Be in the same room with him?" he asks. Shouldn't those be the questions that I ask? But I don't. I've moved on. I wish he too could push that hatred away from his heart- look at him like a stranger like I do. Look at him like a stranger because I have to. I have to to survive.

Notes on my Dream Last Night

Feeling of being trapped- captured in a "camp"
Boy-girl romance. Tall, handsome, dark hair, strong, familiar features.
(Toward the end, close to understanding/answers) Tunnel of evil- swirling, eyes, memories. Reading book while going through, Boy said to read for answers.
Separate walkway (steep ramp with a door at the top)- young boy and mom recognize it and go off, I try and follow but am pulled back. Boy is separated from the group.
Heightened danger and suspense.
People are disappearing.
Meeting spot in the woods.
"Voldemort-like" villain- finding clues to eliminate and be set free.
Memories lost, recovering and finding clues as to how we arrived there- and how to be set free again.

Gender Roles.

This is, without a doubt, the most mind-numbing, tedious, ridiculous essay I have ever written. If there weren't so many demanding criteria, this could possibly be a beautiful, monumental, awe-inspiring, collegiate essay, worthy of scholastic journals. However, writing within these set confines is not helping me to support my thesis. I have zero desire to reference that awful "piece of work". This paper may appear to be insightful to you, Miss TA, but know this- in my mind, I have never before written a paper loaded with more BS than this. This is not a piece I'm proud of, but I know it will earn me an A, which is an upsetting waste of time. /End rant.

I'm going to start writing again, finally.

Blogging can be a great way to share what i'm currently doing in life. Because I'm going to be in college, cosplaying, and figuring out my life spiritually- I'm going to have an awful lot to say so it's likely to end up on here. Blog, my old friend, I have missed ye.

Empty vessel.
Sunken ship.
Trying leads to failure in the end.
Deserting others,
starting trends.
One by one they have their judgment day.
Demotivating scars,
haunting, lingering.
Move on, move forward.
That's all you can do.

breathe.

Lord, I am so thankful for everything that you have been doing in my life. I may not understand it all, but I know you have a plan and I love you :)
It hurts when people that are close to you walk out of your life, but I know you're not giving me anything that i can't handle. I'm already learning a lot more about myself and the person I want to be, and the people I want to surround myself around. For that, i'm thankful. I love you so much. Amen.

Point of view.

When they say love is blind, it's true. To a point. You can look at a person's flaws and still love them because your sense of rationality is being pushed behind a veil, or so they say.

Or are our eyes just being opened to the way God was intending? With love and compassion and the ability to see past someone's flaws and pick out the beauty.

So look at this veil as a disadvantage, or see it as your heart opening up. Glass half full or half empty. <3

-sigh-

Up until now, I never understood why everyone else felt they want to leave this town, see the world, travel, and just "escape". But now... I feel a sense of independance. Like I want to provide for myself and go off and see the world. I don't to burden anyone. I want to be on my own. Everyone seems like they're already moving on.. Boot camp, college, marriage, children. And for me; High School. Big whoop dee do. I want to travel. I'm compelled to leave for Japan. Perhaps learning about their culture and their writing will help satisfy my longing to explore. Sigh...

07

Well let's see, how should i begin?
My hair looks like someone barfed shitty blonde sunshine all over the top. I hate this feeling of standing still- like everyone else is moving forward with their lives and i'm stuck here, being driven around by my dad because I failed my driver's test twice and i'm terrified to get behind the wheel. I have six college level classes that I HAVE to get a C or better in with no room for error if i want to graduate. Sure, one is Karate- which i might get more use from than just another PE credit if I can kick someone's ass for an hour two times a week, or learn to in theory at least. I hate being tan. i'm going to be a wrinkly old grandma one day, but at least i look "sun kissed now". I have freckles now- which I am fully content with. Seriously, i look like a fucked up malibu barbie- and my man is gonna come home as a sexy G I Joe and say, "WOW. I've been gone three months, and this happens...?" I can't afford senior pictures, but i'm willing to fork out 100 to make my hair look less shitty. I am VAIN. Oh, and i'm a liar too. Have I read such and such book? No. OH YEAH. I CAN'T PLAY TENOR SAX. SHIT. AND I'M TENOR ONE NEXT YEAR. FML.

Stress.

Breathe. Only four more full days of high-school and you're running start bound. You can do this. Finish your essay, copy the notes, keep your eyes on the prize.

Oh my.

Isn't it amazing how so much can change in just one week? Just to throw that out there... Many thoughts occur in a week. Many, many thoughts do.


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller

Love is eating your favorite food for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

It's possible to fall into, but to fall out of is an entirely different story. To get out of where you've been, and what you've gotten yourself into takes time, patience, and diligence. You have to climb. But when you fall, it's easy, effortless, and it takes no time at all. It just happens. Just a spark and you're off. (:

I've learned this through many tears, difficulty and struggle. But honestly, i'm glad i've been through what I have. It's made my relationships stronger. I know more about myself. I've gotten my priorities straightened out, and i've learned what's important to me. Semper fi.

After tonight, much of my confusion has been replaced by the feeling of wholeness, and realness. As hard as it is, I know it's true. But with patience, love, passion, and faithfulness, we'll get through.

I just wanna be OK.

Isn't that the truth? I felt liel i'm healing. Finally. After those long months of feeling like a train wreck coated in molten lava, swallowed by a giant cat, and spit out into acid- I started to really feel... ok (: Good. At peace. HAPPY.

Then HE pops back into my life with a spontaneous, "I miss you. i wished that we could go back to the way we were before i was so foolish and lost the best thing that i had ever had! i just let you slip through my fingers! and i feel down right awful for what i put you through! and well that is my wish i could go back and slap myself and don't let something so amazing go!" ETC ETC ETC.

WHY!? Of all the opportunities he could have taken, he chooses now when i'm starting to be happy.

But you know what? I'm sick of this. I DIDN'T SLIP THROUGH HIS FINGERS. He had me. I never thought about leaving him. No pain could compare to that feeling of brokenheartedness. I don't want to go through it again. And then last night he tells me that he always cared for me but he had to break it off because it would hurt more later when he was leaving for the marines. Okay.... so he was already knowing that it wasn't going to work and it was inevitable. He was going to dump me.

THEN WHY WOULD HE WANT TO COME BACK TO ME NOW THAT HE ONLY HAS 3 MONTHS LEFT!?

I can't do it. I won't walk into the inevitable trap of heartbreak.

There are much better boys.

Right now, i'm perfectly content with Him (:

DEADLINES.

This blog is the perfect example of what I don't want to be doing. Procrastinating. But in this case, I procrastinated so much that i actually missed my deadline. By about ten minutes. UGH! I should be kicking myself. Do you want to be a failure? Shift yourself into drive and GO! Work! And SUCCEED! You can't expect to get anywhere and be happy if you spend your hours conversing on facebook. Save that for a weekend where you left yourself free time, not where you swamped yourself in work that your procrastinated off. Bravo. DON'T DO IT AGAIN.
Goal for next month; FOLLOW THROUGH. One blog, every day, on time.
PS: Girl, you're in college. This is a permanent transcript. You want to get into Whitworth, become a nurse and help people? A "C" in Math 97 isn't going to help you get to that goal. Get off your duff and work.

Advice.

Wash your hands, finish your spanish homework, steer clear of chemicals, use crosswalks, pin back your hair, annunciate, drink more water, you'll have less headaches if you keep your room tidy. And, stop procrastinating. You're only hurting yourself.

time to play some catch up!

Well, well, well. It's be quite some time since I posted, and honestly, I can't ever remember what my last blog was about. So if somethings I say are redundant, i'm sorry! I beg your forgiveness! Who's forgiveness i'm begging for, i'm not entirely sure. Forgive me, Nicole- my faithful reader? Haha.
So, it's 2010. Wow. One more year until graduation. One more year until adulthood. Two more years until the alleged and of the world. Ha, for the record, I really don't think that's going to happen. But, we'll save that rant for another blog :)
Today I just want to "catch up". A lot has happened! For one, I bought a beautiful HP laptop with Window's 7. It's a lot of fun to type and blog on! Also, Two days ago it was my first official day of college. I'm taking class online for winter quarter, and I very much so like the interface of the website. I'll let you know if i change my opinion as the quarter drags on (: Ah, schooling. It's strange to think that i'm over halfway finished with my high school career.

Oh! and it was my birthday on the fifth (: Very exciting!

-wofts the air- Spaghetti?! I'm going to take that as my cue to head out. (: Au revoir!

Spongebob Analysispants: The Essay

Okay world. Here's a peek into my noggin on how it works when I hit a school setting. I'm being absolutely serious when I say this is NOT some of my best work. But if you really want to read it- haha, be my guest.
At first glance, a spongy exterior and an effervescent demeanor may be all that you’ll “absorb”, but after observing further you’ll soon see that there’s a lot of depth to Spongebob and his aquatic pals. Although the characters live in the same quaint town of Bikini Bottom, they all have different ambitions and backgrounds. Their absurdities make them the characters we as Nickelodeon viewers love.
Money, cash, “ka-ching”, dollar bills and wealth. Sense a theme here? For Mr. Krabs money is always on his mind. He’s a hard worker, “crusty” business owner, and father to his whale daughter, Pearl. Why is he so money hungry? It’s certainly not because of financial instability. He lives comfortably in a luxurious anchor-shaped complex. To make matters more confusing, he doesn’t splurge. Ever. You would think that “hey, maybe he’s saving for something more grand!” but in all reality, he strives to reach the big buck. He isn’t satisfied until he’s exceeded the rest. In one episode, his hard work finally pays off when he gets his one-millionth dollar. In celebration he takes his “Krusty Crew” employees out on a pleasant boating trip that turns terribly wrong. His prized dollar is eaten by a shark, so he proceeds to dive in- resulting in the loss of half of his body. He doesn’t seem to mind because at least he has his dollar. Overall, Mr. Krabs is the epitome of penny-pinchers.
It doesn’t take much to see what Mister Squidward Tentacles is all about. On the surface he seems like the typical rude, reclusive neighbor. He hates to be bothered by any of Spongebob and his buddies’ shenanigans. As they continue to pester him into participating in games like bubble-blowing or tag, his temper begins to rise, boil, and more often than not, erupt. But is he really all that perturbed? Or would he rather the latter of joining in on all the fun and games? When you delve into the mind of Squidward Tentacles, you’d find a vast variety of thoughts about music, literature, the arts, clarinet, and all things “sophisticated and profound”. Squidward values success. More importantly, he values recognition. He practices day in and day out on his clarinet to participate in shows to gain respect from his peers. Sadly, more often than not his spotlight is yanked away from either his rival, Squillium Fancyson, or none other than his goofball neighbors, Spongebob and Patrick. But despite all of his failures, he never gives up. Implanted in his mind are small tasks and goals he strives to complete to reach the top. Perhaps that’s why he still maintains a job at the Krusty Krab, working the register at ungodly hours. Perhaps that’s why he still puts up with his insane neighbors. He could move away if he wanted to; in fact, he’s tried a couple of times, but he still always manages to come back. Why? Because they give him recognition. They acknowledge his existence. Spongebob praises him on his clarinet playing when nobody else will. It’s only natural after being beaten and criticized so many times that you’d put up a front and say you’re not interested.
There is so much more to the overly-starched, square pants wearing, buck-toothed sponge than meets the eye. He’s a genuine, give-it-your-all, kind of guy. Outside of the work place, he maintains the giggly, bubble-blowing, child-like character we all know any love, but at work he takes full responsibility for the task at hand. Even after working as a fry cook for Mr. Krabs at the Krusty Krab for years on end, he never complains, and he never gives less than his best effort for every meal. He has amazing pride in his work. Why? Looking at the way his parents and grandma genuinely care about him, you can tell that he strives to be just like them. In one episode it shows Spongebob visiting his grandmother, who, when they arrive, presents him with a sweater that she knitted “with love in every stitch”. So when someone orders a Krabby Patty, he puts his heart and soul into his food, like the love his grandmother pours out in her knitting. The reason behind the success of the hamburger joint is certainly not from the penny-pinching manager, but because of the unfaltering fry cook. You can tell that he truly cares about what he does because his mood affects the taste and quality of his product. During one episode, his pet seahorse was banished from the K.K. kitchen, which sent the young sponge chef into a spiral of tears and depression. The customers could tell from his cooking that something was wrong. They could taste the tears. But on a happy day, the look in the eyes of the customer as they take their first bite, ripping into the burger with their canines, savoring every intoxicating flavor from the secret sauce must be what makes it all worth the hard work.

Recovery.

I know guys who would do anything for their girl. They talk about her like she's the most amazing thing on the face of this planet. Songs are written by guys who say things like "i don't want to lose you", and "I can't stand to let you go". I could look at this pathetically, "sure, guys are like that- but WHY wasn't HE like that for ME?" or I could look at like "Wow. This is inspiring. Some gentlemen really do care about their girls. One day I hope to find someone who'll feel that way about me." I choose to look at the second option. By looking at the second, it's so much easier to let go and move forward with my life. I could continue to spend days crying over him, but what good will that do? I enjoy life so much more when i'm happier. Redundant much? Well it's true. Plus, Christ wants me to be happy. He's opened so many amazing opportunies in my life that i need to be thankful for. That I AM thankful for. I think Christ has used to this opportunity to help me grow closer to him. I can feel him working in my life again. Sure, i was really sad, but right now i'm filled with so much joy all because of Him. (: It's not going to be an overnight recovery, it's going to take some time. But you know what they say about when you break a bone? It heals back stronger. I think it works just the same for your heart. (: