Sunday, October 25, 2009

No God, No Peace.

Right now I'm struggling, as everyone will struggle at one point in their life, with the subject of purity. God says this way, and the world says another. When we look at it like this, it's easy to see the clear, right thing to do. But is it as easy as it sounds? No. No, of course not. It's so much easier to feed into our instincts and find ways to make it okay. "Oh, it's just a sin. God's going to forgive me. I have protection. It'll feel great. We've been together for so long. I love him. He loves me. Everyone else does it...." and the list goes on. When you take the leap to do this- this becomes okay to do. Then once you do this, you can do that- and since you've done that, you might as well start doing this. WHEN DOES THIS STOP? Well, only when you can no longer go further. Once you've reached the point of no return. Is it worth it? I've weighed my options and I can find a thousand reasons NOT to do it than I can find to. But then why do I still desire. Why?
It's as simple as this. "No God, No Peace. Know God, Know Peace." The moment I started falling away from Him, I started sinking into a dark abyss. THE dark abyss. The bad habits, vile thoughts, pessimism- the very opposite of what i used to be. Where did my morels go? Right down the drain. I've been consumed and I want to change. I want to change now. I can't stand this constant feeling that I have. It's like I have a rock in my stomach, I have a swirling headache, and I constantly want to cry. I don't want to be like this. I can't be like that. It's tearing myself and my friends apart, and i'm sure He isn't happy with my behavior. So i vow, you will see a difference, because this is not who i want to be. I want to be someone respectable. Someone with the courage to say no. And the courage to hold myself with the dignity that causes heads to turn and say, "Hey, what does she have that I don't? and I want to be the one to turn around and say, "He's my love, my light, and my God. He's there for you too, if you're willing to let him fully into your heart like I have." Because honestly, I think it's worth it. I have the choice: A little momentary pleasure, or eternal pleasure with someone I know will always love me, and I know what I want to choose, but again, it won't be easy.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I wish this could be a happy song But my happiness disappeared the moment you were gone

i had a dream about her again. no, that should be rephrased. i had a nightmare. she comes back, I see her, time has changed her a way that makes her more mature, but it's clear to see she's still the same girl- except... i've been snubbed. cast aside. forgotten. my worst nightmare.
i don't want her to forget about me. i haven't forgotten for one second about her. thinking about it genuinely breaks my heart. i'm not sure how to put this all in words, but i miss her. i miss her so much. she was my best friend in the universe. one moment she calls me with so much excitement and joy to be traveling and following her dreams, promising to call me back with details- and the next she's gone. it's like.... she died. no communication. just a slight reassuring that she's doing okay. i want to contact her. but i can't. i've asked.. but that was so long ago. maybe they'd let me now, but i don't want to open old wounds. molly :( i love you so much. i know you probably won't read this , but know that I love you. i really genuinely do. i want you to know that i'm praying for you. everyday. i'm so proud of your every accomplishment. when you get back, please.. let's catch up. tea party? (: ah, i'm at a loss for words. i... miss you. :( how fitting is it that my pandora radio just started playing missing you by jem?

I'll always be thankful
for the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
stabbed me in my heart

Friday, October 16, 2009

I have to admit, life sure isn't easy. But with people you care about and trust by your side, it's a lot less difficult. Especially when those people bring out the better in you. When they have the optimism to the see the horizon on the darkest days. The people with their heads screwed tight, but with enough slack to allow imagination to seep through.